Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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