I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Randomize
