So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
