Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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