I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I came so hard my ears popped.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
