i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
