i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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