please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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