just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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