This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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