I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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