You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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