Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
