I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
