Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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