We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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