There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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