are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
