What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
