we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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