The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
