His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize