it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
