My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What a dumb baby whore.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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