So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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