she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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