i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
