Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
