i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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