My hand turned me down
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
