YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
