After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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