i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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