i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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