I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
