i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
