At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
