I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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