i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
