My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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