Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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