Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
