I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
