i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
