mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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