shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
