I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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