If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've blown a few things in my day
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
