Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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