You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
