His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
