Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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