I haven't been this sober since birth.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
