i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
