In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
