they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
