He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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