What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
