I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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