you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
