Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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