This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Houston, we have a blender
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
