a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my shit smells like andre
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
