It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
