When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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